


mission impossible: raccoon nation

by thesecondsmile



Series: raccoon revolution [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe, Battle of New York (Marvel), Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Humor, Hydra (Marvel), Raccoon Agents, Raccoon Extended Universe, SHIELD, Violence, fighting evil, raccoons - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:20:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28876326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesecondsmile/pseuds/thesecondsmile
Summary: When waves of enemies the world has never seen before emerge, there comes the need to bring together a group of remarkable agents, to see if they could become something more. See if they could work together when we needed them to, to fight the battles that humanity never could.The raccoons vs HYDRA and aliens fic you never knew you needed.
Series: raccoon revolution [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2117670
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	mission impossible: raccoon nation

**Author's Note:**

> yes, I wrote this. it's what it says on the tin.

  
  


“This is Ranger Raccoon from the stealth core. I’ve managed to locate the files. Does anyone have eyes on the target?”

“I do, he’s leaving his office now accompanied by two bodyguards and three more plainclothes agents tailing him, HYDRA I would wager. They seem easy enough to dispatch, but the office looks suspiciously poorly-guarded.”

“Agreed. I’m not comfortable going in blind like this, any ideas what defences that place has?”

“Sir, I believe that he might be harbouring HYDRA’s secret weapon there as their ultimate defence. I’m not sure if we can get in successfully at this point.”

“You’re right. Damn it! Fall back agents, we’re going back to HQ.”

  
  


*****

  
  


_Back at Headquarters, in an unidentified location. The second-in-command, a no-nonsense female raccoon with sleek and practically styled fur is leading four new excited juvenile recruits through their orientation programme._

  
  


“Sorry, where are we right now?”

“We’re in one of the director’s secret den sites. There are about 20 scattered around the city, which you’ll come to know about as you complete more missions.”

“Oh, okay then. Hey, how did you find us anyway?”

“She pulled me out of a dumpster. I was digging through the trash when she suddenly popped up and gave me the recruitment speech.”

"Ah, same! I was staying with a nice human for a bit after my ma ditched me when I was a baby, but once I got big, I had to strike out on my own, and we all know that the dumpster's the best place to go for good eats."

“I was a travelling bandit for a bit, but I liked their benefits over here a bit more. Having a pension and some steady healthcare insurance is pretty important in this country, you know?”

“Yeah, tell me about it, my entire family got rabies and had to be taken out.”

“Sorry to hear about that man.”

“No it’s fine, I told them to wash their hands more in between meals!”

“Huh, I came down from Toronto, just wanted to get a change of scenery. There are so many other raccoons there that don’t seem to have that much ambition, and I wanted to come see the big city. She found me roaming around aimlessly and well, here I am!”

“Glad you have you on board. Oh, it’s the director!”

“ALRIGHT RECRUITS, LISTEN UP! My name is Rage Raccoon and I’m the director of this fine establishment. I understand that you are all still young, but know that this is a very important position you’ve been placed in, and make no mistake about it, the fate of the world rests in your paws. Now, I—”

“Sorry for the interruption sir, but we just got word from the stealth core that Councilman Pierce’s office is too heavily guarded. They’re requesting reinforcements.”

Rage runs a frustrated paw across his head, neatly avoiding the strap of his eyepatch. His tail flicks in annoyance. “I don’t have any reinforcements on hand. The Rogue Raccoons are all helping to deal with the portal that foreign God opened over New York City. I’m already short of agents; I had to send that half green-behind-the-ears recruit down to support them, his tail rings haven’t all come in yet for crying out loud!”

“What about the Russians, sir?”

“The Russians? Aren’t they part of HYDRA?”

“Hey, I won’t have that kind of talk in my organisation. The Russian Raccoons have been close partners of ours even through the Cold War. Who do you think was helping to transport supplies across the Berlin wall? Anyway, we’re all part of the International Raccoon Alliance, and it’s important that we learn to tap on the skills of our associates.”

“Apologies sir, but it appears that the Russians are currently embroiled in a wide scale national resistance to overthrow Putin. All of their agents are busy organising revolts and rebellions across the country.”

Rage curses furiously.

“What about the _special division_?”

“You know I’ve never approved of the way they took young raccoons and trained them up in the Red Raccoon Room, that’s something that’s far more suited for the Red Pandas — look, it’s even in the name! But, and it pains me to say this, I think you’re right. I think we might need to have some of their operatives come down and help to infiltrate. No one is as good at camouflage as them.”

“There is something about the cold weather that makes them tougher, sir.”

“Alright then, request one of their best agents and have them join the stealth team. Worst comes to worst, I’ll have to go in and confront Pierce myself.”

“You, Mr Director? But you only have one eye! What if he calls for animal control to come and take you out and you can’t escape in time?”

“You know how I got this lost my eye but kept my mask son? Well you don’t want to know. All I’ll say is that it involved an unpleasant altercation with a cat. I walked away, the cat didn’t. Now, any other questions?”

“Um, any relation to SHIELD Director Nick Fury?”

“A cousin on my mother’s side, I’m told.”

  
  


*****

  
  


(3) _In New York City. A fleet of Chitauri are headed for a large office building filled with screaming workers. Suddenly, one falls to the ground, smoking. A small furry body leaps off the plummeting body and leaps to another agilely, quickly dispatching the whole swarm._

“Good work there, recruit! Team, how are we looking?”

“Fine sir, I can see our sniper making quick work of the incoming wave with those new exploding bullets, and it seems that our reflexes are well suited to matching them in hand to hand until we can reach out to their back and pull out the power core.”

“That’s what I like to hear. I see one of those large serpentine ones coming my way, but I’ll make quick work of that one.”

“Captain, we’re holding them off well on our end, but a lot of the carcasses are dropping into the surrounding water bodies.”

“Someone let the Ocean Division know. I think we’re going to have to call in the Navy Seals.”

  
  


*****

  
  


“Red, thank you so much for coming down to help us. We could really use your expertise today.”

“No problem, it’s always a pleasure to help out a fellow raccoon. Not to mention, a threat from HYDRA is a threat to all.”

“You’re certainly right about that. Now, our intel suggests that Pierce might have an enhanced octopus guarding his desk where we need to secure the files from. Red, we need you to try and get in as far as you can without being detected, and download them as soon as possible. I have no expectations that you’ll be able to get them all before alerting the octopus because it has advanced sensory capabilities, far more acute than our own. That’s where the rest of the team will come in.”

“Will we be retrieving any other data, for the opposition perhaps?”

“Ah no, we’re non-partisan. Outside of life-threatening situations, we leave the humans to their own messes.”

“Understood, Ranger.”

“Everyone else, there are eight tentacles that we’ll need to deal with between the four of us. I have full confidence that we’ll be able to keep them at bay and feel free to use any weapons or combat abilities you have, but just note, do not attempt to slice off any parts of it. Do we know why?”

“HYDRA’s motto sir. Cut off one head, two more shall take its place.”

“Exactly, and we don’t want to have to deal with that. So just go in and as swiftly as we can, I want to take this thing down. Understood?”

“Yes sir!”

  
  


*****

  
  


“Captain, there are too many! It seems like someone triggered something in the hive mind and their numbers are increasing more rapidly than we can handle.”

“I see that, it seems like we’ll have to bring in the big guns. Squad, we’re going to split up. Main team, continue to hold off the Chitauri as best as you can. Recruit and I are going to go after the Chitauri command centre to shut this thing down for good.”

“But Captain, that’s too dangerous! You’ll get killed in that other dimension!”

“Not if I have anything to say about it. I have no intention of dying out there and I’m certainly not going to drag Recruit down with me. Kid, you ever been to space?”

“Y-yes Captain. We wish you all the best.”

“It’s been an honour serving with you soldiers. You are the finest raccoon platoon I’ve seen in a long time. Now, masks down and don’t let them see your fear. We’re going in.”

  
  


*****

  
  


_In the office of Secretary of Defence and World Security Councilman Alexander Pierce, located in the Pentagon._

“How much longer to go, Red?”

“I’ve managed to access the servers, download starting now!”

“Good work, now just to deal with _you_.”

The creature gives a harsh chuckle, gliding forward sinisterly, the suction cups on its tentacles making a disgusting wet noise each time they pop off.

“Let’s see how well you do, little raccoons. It is brave of you to try, but unfortunately I will have to dispose of you like the vermin you are.”

With that, the battle begins.

As agreed upon, each raccoon leaps into formation, taking charge of two tentacles to make sure that Red Raccoon is able to continue to hack into the computer without disruption.

The stealth core is known primarily for espionage, but they still are an elite fighting force and each raccoon adeptly holds their own. However, the octopus turns out to be quite the slippery opponent and the cluttered space of the office is not the ideal terrain for battle.

The raccoons make the most of their surroundings, flinging various repurposed office supplies at the octopus hoping to break through its seemingly impenetrable defence, but the sea creature’s augmented speed allows it to easily knock down the projectiles.

They use their claws and sharp movements to fend off those powerful tentacles, but the probability of poison is too high for them to use their teeth to rip through the octopus. It is neck in neck for the most part, until one of them manages to tip a large brass lamp over towards the creature, forcing it to wrench four of its tentacles away to avoid being crushed, leaving a good space unprotected and vulnerable.

Taking advantage of the opening, Ranger flings an electrocuting grenade at the octopus and cheers when it connects, causing the creature to let out a scream of pain as its nerves go haywire

“Good hit Ranger!”

Determined not to slip into complacency, they do not let up on the attacks, taking advantage of the octopus’ slowed and sluggish movements to deal a few more good hits in. Still, despite the successful hits, the octopus is not the Fist of HYDRA for no reason, and it is a resilient weapon. Far from stopping it in its tracks, they seem only to have angered it.

“You _filthy rodents!_ ”

They all suck in a breath at the slur. Ranger grits his teeth. They face this sort of prejudice everywhere they go.

“We’re not rodents, you scientifically illiterate creature, we’re a completely different genus! Learn your taxonomic nomenclature instead of listening to HYDRA propaganda!”

They have not yet succeeded in taking down the octopus, but neither has the creature made any headway in getting to Red. They are at an impasse now, but it cannot stay like this for long.

Taking a deep breath, Ranger shouts to his team. “Cover me!”

Instantly heeding his orders, they close ranks and increase the intensity of their attacks. Ranger climbs onto a high bookshelf behind the octopus. Quickly, he unsheathes five knives, three daggers and his trusty katana from the satchels and holders of his uniform. He only has one chance to do this, and with his teammates in such close quarters, he can’t afford to miss.

His team has done their jobs and lured the octopus into position, with all of its tentacles spread out across the room as it tries to fend off the vicious and unrelenting attacks coming from three angles. He takes an extra few seconds to recalculate and double check his trajectories before leaping off the shelf quietly. In one powerful motion, he flings eight of the blades towards the octopus, all of them meeting their mark and pinning a tentacle to the wooden floor. In that same moment, he brings the katana down, impaling the octopus right between the eyes and killing it instantly. 

With the sword embedded in the octopus, he balances himself with a quick handstand on the hilt of the blade before gracefully flipping off and landing on the ground. After ascertaining that the octopus is truly dead, Ranger checks his team over to make sure that they’re not seriously wounded.

Fortunately enough, there are no major medical issues, and the team takes a moment to have a breath after that exhausting battle. Just in time, Red lifts up a thumbdrive triumphantly.

“We’ve got it!”

  
  


*****

  
  


_Back at Headquarters, the stealth team reporting in after a successful mission._

  
  


“We have the files sir.”

“Any casualties?”

“None sir, just a couple of singed paws and bruises, nothing that a little bit of rest and some apples won’t fix.”

“Excellent work team. You make this organisation proud. Rest assured that your heroism will not be forgotten.”

“Thank you sir, your words mean a lot. But what do we do about the files now that we’ve secured them? Based on my intel, it seems that the humans are no closer to finding out that SHIELD has been infiltrated by HYDRA.”

“That does seem to be the case, Ranger. It’s been a few decades now and they still haven’t noticed the scum in their midst. And now with the whole clash with the Chitauri, the country’s leaders will be focusing on cleaning up the mess left behind. I didn’t want this to happen, but I think it might be necessary.”

“Sir, you don’t mean…”

“Project Insight is far too dangerous to let happen. Ranger, you know what to do. Leak them.”

  
  


*****

  
  


_On a tree overlooking a crowded street in New York City, after the successful averting of the Chitauri invasion._

  
  


“Why is everyone applauding that group of funnily dressed people? And is that a giant green monster?”

“Those are the Avengers, recruit. It seems that they are being credited for dealing with the Chitauri.”

“Wait, people actually think that stupid scepter is what closed the portal? Gosh, humanity would really be lost without raccoons.”

“That’s very true, but at the end of the day, someone needs to be the public face of _Earth’s Mightiest Heroes_ , and it’s fine if they want to take up that mantle. After all, we raccoons work best from the shadows, don’t we, Rocket?” 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> was that a little reference to rocket raccoon? was this taking place in the same world as murder raccoon party and canon? are octopi in cahoots with hydras? is there an entire underground animal network of spies? excellent questions, no one really knows :D
> 
> this is kind of full on crack, but I had lots of fun writing it and I couldn't help myself once the idea got into my head. if anyone else would like to do their own take of this concept, PLEASE DO. and I would also die for some raccoon art if anyone is willing. 
> 
> let me know what you think would happen in your raccoon world in the comments!


End file.
